So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
