Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
