some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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