I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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