I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
