I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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