I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i black out too much to be "responsible"
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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