We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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