Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
