last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
