I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
