are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Slut skills are useful in every country.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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