im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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