I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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