is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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