I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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