Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
