if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
