I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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