That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
