You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
