I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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