We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
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