I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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