Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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