Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize