I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Randomize
