I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
