not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
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