***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You need Xanax blowdarts
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
