Farmville is her only friend.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I need a burrito and a hug.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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