I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
