I could have mohawked her pubes.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
