Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
