I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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