I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
