Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
