I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
