Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
