Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
