I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
