The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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