it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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