There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Randomize
