You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
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