i barfeds in our rink
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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