I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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