This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
