i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
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