If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
