A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
