Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
is it fun? or sober?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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