Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
