dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
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Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.