That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
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Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
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I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.