I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome