My first STD was from a foam party
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
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