I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
