there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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