I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
She has the best kind of daddy issues
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
