somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
