Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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