Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
