also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
